Monday, April 27, 2009

My eyes are sweating

OK, well either my eyes are sweating or I'm crying because I'm such a wuss about heat...

The building I work in has not yet turned on the A/C and according to the digital thermometer in my office it is 89 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade. Clearly as a gentleman of Swedish decent I am built for the cold...and when it gets above about 65 degrees I start to get unhappy... 65-75 though I can still function. Anything above 80 and my brain begins to resemble a brain on drugs as depicted in the 1980's

I simply can't take it! Why is it so damn hot! Its not even May yet... Anyway the whole point of this entire post is to see if anyone has the knowledge or ability to make me a Snuggie composed entirely of those blue gel ice pack thingies. I could just cool it down in a cooler, then maybe have some sort of absorbant covering to soak up any condensation or sweat ('Essence of Swede' as its known in the fine food community). If anyone can make this happen please let me know ASAP. I don't have much time left before I become a boiling puddle like "Pizza the Hut"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Really Television? Really...?

Its tax day... I'm sure many of you, like me, feel like you have been teabagged by the government just a little bit today. This is the first year in my whole life that I havn't gotten a refund, and actually owed money to Uncle Sam. That is a huge kick in the Oval Twins that I never ever wanted to feel, but alas I have today. Granted I owed less then $200 bucks, but I'm used to like a 4 digit refund. Its all my fault, when I re-did my tax forms upon getting hired for this job I set it up so I would receive more money per pay check and knew I would get a smaller refund. I did not realize it would be so small that it would fall on the other side of the zero.

Anyway, this was on the news the other day. The NEWS!!!!!!! The place you go for information and insight into our world. It feels like the 7th grade lunch table and I can't believe they would allow this to air. Our country has gotten so crazy...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Time < Creativity

I'm gonna catch up on this blog soon... I swear. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, in light of the holiday...enjoy

Away in a graveyard, a stone overhead
The zombie lord Jesus is raised from the dead
The bones and the corpses are at his command
And rise like their master to swarm o'er the land!

The women are screaming, then running away
Poor Mary and Martha are gnawed where they lay
I fear thee, lord Jesus, your curs├ęd undeath
With worms in your bowels and rot on your breath.

Have mercy, lord Jesus, don't eat me today
Next year I'll be bigger, I promise! I pray
Some shaman or rabbi or priestess or such
Will stake you and save us from your deadly touch.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Well blog followers... All four of ya... Its Faustnaught day here for all you Pennsylvania Dutch pretzel eaters. Not to be confused with "FastNuts" day which is something TOTALLY different and will be described in a later post. Apparently faustnaught is the old german word for doughnuts and comes from a tradition where all these "sinful" ingredients like sugar and whatnot would be used up before Lent when these things were no long supposed to be consumed. I don't get that kinda thing. You think God's gonna fault me for enjoying all the wonderful things he (she/it) has provided including sugar, creme, butter, sweet cheeba, fine booze and delicious sins of the flesh? I sure as hell hope not

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Back on the Bloghorse

So a friend of mine asked me for a link to my blog yesterday and I gave it to him, and was immediately embarassed by the fact that I have not written anything on here in about a month and a half. Thats not very good for business so I suppose its about time I get back on this blog thing. In fact... I kinda miss it...

So I was gonna do a post on home-made sex toys and may still do that, but I am not at my home computer and I don't have any of the links saved anywhere handy.
Instead I think I will take this opportunity to announce that I think I am going to (possibly) run for Official Mayor of West Chester (maybe). It's well known that I've been the Unofficial Mayor of this fair town for quite some time now. I think its time to make it official. Move over Dick Yoder, there's a new sheriff in town. (by sheriff I mean mayor of course)

As most of you know already, I am one of the most regionally famous people in the West Chester area due to countless years (23) of being the coolest guy I know in town. (that's a fact people) Now I've been living in the borough for a little over two years and I think my transformation into local borough rat has gone quite nicely... Everyday I walk to work and as I claw my way past the mangled cobblestones that litter my sidewalk and make it out to High Street, I go past several shops where every morning and every evening I gave a wave and a "how do you do" to various shopkeeps and they return the favor, often greeting me by name. Then as the evening rolls around I'll go out to eat or go to a local watering hole (water=sweet sweet booze) and nine times out of ten the bartender will either know my name and what I want before I get there, or at least know what I want and be able to list at least three of my greatest achievements in their eyes.

Now I know what you're thinking... you're thinking that doesn't mean you are famous, it just means you drink too much! Well all I have to say to that is NA UHHHH! Its not even only in drinking establishments that I assume my reputation for arrogant presumption precedes me. Yesterday I was in line at the INCREDIBLE paradise of food which is Carlino's Italian Market, located of course, on Market Street when I was informed that my credit card was declined... 'HA!' I laughed... I can't believe I have too much money for the card to even contain, but I must have broken its puny card brain with all the 0's in my account. Turns out my bank was kind enough to cancel that card due to a fraud threat and forgot to notify me that they would be taking this action. So then (true story) the girl working the register, obviously embarassed that she has to charge me in the first place, offers to buy my lunch for me. When I question her about her generosity she says " Oh ______ you're in here all the time, just pay me back whenever". Thats power people... people power.